We can’t truly connect with others until we’ve learned to connect with ourselves.
Not long ago, I was stuck. My business wasn’t performing, my health was in decline, and — most painfully — my relationships, particularly with my wife Brenda, were strained. I carried a weight of guilt because I wasn’t fully showing up for the people who mean the most to me.
I leaned on habits that dulled the edges of my stress — daily use of alcohol and marijuana. They didn’t destroy my life, but they chipped away at the version of me I knew I could be. Brenda, always my greatest supporter, gently pointed out how disconnected I had become.
Hearing that truth was hard. Acting on it was harder. But it was the catalyst I needed to begin rebuilding myself — piece by piece, habit by habit.
Why This Matters
It’s not about the results we aspire to. It’s about being fully present and making the most of every moment, so we can be our truest selves.
Over the last year and a half, my life has taken a profound turn. For the first time in my 53 years, I feel like I’m living in alignment — not just with the person I want to be, but with the person I’m meant to be. It hasn’t been an easy road. In fact, it was a series of hard, honest conversations with myself and the people I love most that set me on this path.
What I’ve discovered through this journey is something I’ve come to call the Unconditional Leadership Habit. It’s a way of approaching life with intentionality, free of excuses, and anchored in the belief that our best selves are waiting to emerge — but only if we commit to being fully present in every moment.
The Shift
Small steps, taken daily, are more powerful than big leaps taken occasionally.
The real breakthrough didn’t come from a single dramatic moment but from a series of small, consistent choices. Brenda and I decided to start eating better at the beginning of this year. I stopped substances that clouded my mind and dulled my focus. I began observing myself more closely — how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and how those thoughts were affecting my actions.
I wrote down my reflections. I looked for patterns. I didn’t always like what I saw, but I leaned into the process because I could feel the shift happening. What surprised me most wasn’t just the physical or emotional improvements — though those have been significant. What surprised me was how quickly and deeply I began to reconnect with the joy of simply being present.
Building the Unconditional Leadership Habit
Clarity comes from reflection. Growth comes from observation. Transformation comes from execution.
This process has evolved into something I now call the Unconditional Leadership Habit. It’s built on four essential elements:
- Reflection — Taking time to notice where you are, how you’re feeling, and what’s driving your thoughts and actions. Reflection isn’t about judgment; it’s about awareness.
- Observation — Looking at yourself and your life with curiosity rather than criticism. It’s about spotting the patterns that serve you — and the ones that don’t.
- Journaling — Writing is where the magic happens. Putting thoughts on paper brings clarity and accountability. It transforms vague intentions into concrete plans.
- Execution — Habits only matter if they’re practiced. Whether it’s eating well, staying substance-free, or simply showing up for the people in your life, execution turns intention into transformation.
This is the same discipline I now bring into the dojo with every leader I coach — not as a business exercise, but as a way of living. Because a leader who can’t be unconditionally honest with himself will never build a team that’s honest with him.